


Changing Destiny

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied/Referenced Torture, Isolation, M/M, Mentions of Hallucinations and Flashbacks, The Cage, Working things out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Since Sam and Lucifer are unable to work things out between them while they are in the bunker, the two leave to be completely alone for a while. It helps, at least a little, and slowly they begin to talk, with Lucifer revealing a truth to Sam he never knew and that changes everything.





	1. Chapter 1

For a few months, Sam and Lucifer had tried to work things out in the bunker, but there had been almost no real progress – whenever things seemed to get better, something threw them back to the beginning. Soon, Sam realized the root of their problems and it wasn’t one of them. As much as he hated to admit it, Dean and Castiel were no real help when it came to Lucifer. It was clear Dean didn’t want him around and Sam always stood between his brother and the archangel, trying to mediate when it was completely useless. He didn’t want to turn on Dean, but he didn’t want to turn on Lucifer either. Castiel was mostly quiet, but somehow always there – being actually alone was as rare as a solar eclipse these days. So, as hard as it was, Sam made a decision he hoped he would not regret soon. He would leave the bunker with Lucifer for a while – as long as it took them to get on terms.

Dean protested, called him an idiot and even doubted his sanity, but Sam made the decision and it would happen. With his big brother around, he just couldn’t be how he had to be to help Lucifer and sometimes he thought the angel felt the same when it came to Castiel – they both had expectations for them and following those meant this thing wouldn’t work. After a few days of searching, Sam had found a place for the two to stay – far enough so they were alone, but close enough to make it back in a few hours if needed. It was a small cabin near a lake, surrounded by a forest and luckily with electricity and surprisingly well equipped. Surely it would be enough to focus on the important things, rather than trying to please others.

In an attempt to start things out slow, Lucifer agreed to drive to the cabin, also because they would most likely need the car when they ran out of things and the next town was fifteen miles away. During the ride they both didn’t talk much, but, since it was the first time in weeks that they were completely alone, Sam thought it wasn’t too bad. The trunk and backseats were filled with bags – clothes, books and the basic hunter arsenal they might need – and anything else they would get somehow. It had been a few years since Sam’s last camping trip, but he was sure that he remembered enough to survive.

The cabin itself wasn’t big, despite having two rooms, a kitchen corner and a small bathroom. The two spent their first day putting everything they brought into the right place – still rather silent, apart from some ‘where does this go?’ or ‘can I put that here?’. When everything was set up, Sam had a rather good feeling about this. Sure, they didn’t have much space, but it was silent and, most important, they were without anyone interrupting or controlling them. Lucifer seemed a little out of place at first, without a door to lock behind him he just wasn’t comfortable for some reason. When Sam was done preparing the first of many meals for the evening though, this feeling had faded mostly. Lucifer even ate a little, something he usually avoided, even though Sam always made sure to make something for him too.

When it was time to sleep the two separated – Sam took the couch in the living room, leaving the bedroom to Lucifer to grant him at least the little bit of privacy he could. They had agreed to switch their sleeping spots every week, so it was a start in Sam’s eyes. Maybe they would manage to get along one day – Lucifer had grown on him and they finally had to talk about the elephant in the room.

The first two weeks went by rather quiet, but with much less tension in the air than normally. Lucifer developed the habit of taking a walk in the morning and evening, always leaving the house when Sam went on his morning run himself. Sam had asked him if he would like to join him, but Lucifer preferred the peace of just strolling through the surrounding forest without the need to keep up with someone. The few hours apart each day weren’t bad though, in fact they helped both of them reflect and process everything that happened; and as much as Lucifer cherished his evening walk, Sam began to look forward to spending this time cooking and eating later together with the angel. Things weren’t easy, but they didn’t argue anymore at least – though the elephant stayed unmentioned for two more weeks.

When they finally talked about it they did get emotional, both of them. One evening, Lucifer surprised Sam by starting to talk about heaven and, curious to where this would lead, Sam began asking questions. From that, they quickly came to the apocalypse of course, especially to Sam’s role in it. Even though he knew it already, Lucifer assured Sam again that he wished there would have been a different way – a way to just end this whole thing without anyone getting hurt. When Lucifer talked about Gabriel, Sam saw him truly heartbroken for the very first time. It was also the first time the angel actually shed tears and Sam, unsure what else to do, comforted him awkwardly with an arm around his shoulder.

From that on they talked about these things more often, even if not every day. Lucifer was usually rather distant after those conversations and Sam let him have his time alone to calm down again. He was glad they talked though, this way they both found a way to lessen the guilt on their shoulders. For Sam, the most difficult topic was the time after he got his soul back, which was something he never told Lucifer about, even if he suspected him to know. Despite that, the angel was surprised – almost shocked – when Sam told him about his hallucinations and how torn they made him feel.

“I knew it wasn’t you,” Sam said one evening, a beer in front of him and already talking for almost an hour straight. “But he seemed so real, you know? For a while I managed to ignore him and force him away, but when it wouldn’t work anymore I just had to watch how everything fell apart.”

“You never told me about any of this,” Lucifer said quietly, to which Sam gave him a sad smile.

“What good would it have done? You were in the cage – this… _thing_ , it wasn’t you.”

“But you suffered and it was a hallucination of _me_ causing it.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore now,” Sam said and shook his head. “What I’m trying to say is: I died and… at one point I was okay with it. I can’t explain why, but when I was in this mental ward, I knew it would be over soon and I simply accepted it.”

“Why? Why would you accept to die without fighting it?” Lucifer asked surprised. “That’s not the Sam Winchester I know.”

“I was tired, Lucifer. So, _so_ tired. I wasn’t able to save Cas, I wasn’t able to save Bobby and Dean…”

“What about Dean?”

“I don’t know, he just didn’t understand, I guess. He wanted me to keep fighting, but he didn’t understand why I couldn’t anymore. Cas raised my body from the cage, Death ripped my soul out of it, but when everything was put back together I just… couldn’t stand myself anymore.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what memories came back from the cage?”

Sam sighed, he had feared this question. Without answering at first, he emptied the bottle in his hands and searched for the right words to not make it look as if he blamed Lucifer – because he didn’t. Those thoughts were long gone, he knew now that none of this had been the angel’s fault after all.

“Torture, mostly,” he finally sighed, without looking up. “And fire. A few times I had visions of burning alive and it felt so real, as if I was back in there. Other than that it weren’t specific memories, it was just all at once – the pain, the torture and the feeling of being ripped apart over and over again.”

“Did you remember Castiel raising your body?” Lucifer asked and Sam shook his head.

“I don’t think so. It’s all blur now and… dull. Like watching a very old movie and the cassette is slowly dying. Sometimes I still have visions, even now, but they are like a flash light – they never stay long enough for me to actually see them.”

“I remember,” Lucifer said slowly. Something in his voice had changed and now Sam looked up, finding sad eyes glancing at him. “Michael had been furious from the second we fell and I barely managed to seal your soul away so he couldn’t hurt you.”

“What did he do?” Sam asked, kind of fascinated now. Lucifer had still possessed him when they had fallen into the cage, but he remembered nothing after the jump. “And why did you regain control?”

“The cage was never meant for a human soul, Sam. Even on the way down I could feel how weak you were, how the cage drained the life away from you. So, I did the one thing I was able to and pushed you back so I would have control over your body again.”

“You… saved me? Why?”

“Because this was never your punishment, it was mine,” Lucifer smiled sadly. “Your soul would have burst during the impact when we landed – this way I could prevent most of the damage at least.”

“I didn’t know that…” Sam mumbled and looked down at his hands. “I thought I just… passed out or something.”

“If you’d have, your soul would be gone by now,” Lucifer told him in a serious tone. “Michael was raging, more than I had ever seen before. You jumping was never part of the plan and he didn’t believe you would actually do it, so his anger got the best of him.”

“But, you said he’s sitting in a corner now, singing show tunes and all that,” Sam frowned. “What happened?”

“You forget that it’s been a few hundred years down there since we fell,” Lucifer smirked amused. “His will to fight was unbroken, but since you were there too I couldn’t fight him back. When you gained consciousness again I told you to stay quiet, because Michael thought you were gone and knowing your soul was still there, hidden beneath my grace, would have caused him to act on it.”

“Act on it?”

“It’s possible to cast a human soul out of its body, just the way you exorcise demons, but in the process the soul will be broken beyond repair. I managed to trick him long enough, until Castiel came and tried to raise you. There was just one problem.”

“What problem?” Sam knew what had happened of course, but he still had no idea why or how. If Lucifer had kept his soul hidden from Michael, then why wasn’t Castiel able to raise it too?

“Your soul wouldn’t let go.”

A shadow of pride ghosted over Lucifer’s face at these words, but for Sam they were just utterly confusing. His soul wouldn’t let go – of what? Apparently Lucifer could read Sam like an open book, because a smile crept on his face the second he thought about the question.

“Your soul refused to go with my brother – it clung to my grace with a desperation I had rarely seen until then. When Castiel finally managed to raise your body, he had to forcefully rip your soul out of it in the process.”

“He… ripped my soul out?” Sam was shocked. “H-How did he do that?”

“You need to know, this all happened within seconds, all while Michael was about to target the three of us with his rage again any moment. Castiel realized that he could either leave you in the cage, or leave your soul in there and raise your body alone,” a sudden sadness crawled back into Lucifer’s voice at this. “I tried to pursue you, but you refused to leave with him, so he did the only thing he could and expelled your soul from your body; and me of course.”

Sam’s mouth became dry, there was nothing he could have said to that and he never expected his friend to purposely raising his body without his soul. All this time he had acted like it was a mistake and now Lucifer told him he knew what he did and choose to do it?

“I don’t know what to say…” Sam eventually sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I mean… why? Why could he rip my soul from my body and not from you?”

“He couldn’t,” Lucifer sighed. “When I tried to hide your existence from Michael, I wrapped your soul in my grace, so he would not be able to see you; but even when I gave you free to Castiel, your soul still held onto every part of my grace it was able to reach and no matter how hard my brother pulled and forced – you wouldn’t let go. He had no other choice – either he raised your body or he would have stayed in the cage too. His choice is obvious.”

“So, he took my body and kicked us both out?”

“Basically,” Lucifer shrugged. “Of course now Michael knew you were there, so fighting back wasn’t really possible.”

“Did I… say something?” Sam asked a little nervous. This whole thing was confusing him, but he had to know why he had refused to leave Lucifer’s side, he just _had_ to. “I mean, my soul… or, my mind or whatever.”

“You did, yes,” Lucifer smiled. “But I’m not sure you want to hear it or not.”

“Of course I want to hear it!” Sam said, a little less embarrassed now. “I choose to stay, even if I can’t remember, so there has to be a reason, right?”

“Very well, but please keep in mind that the situation was dire and you were in a place that had more effect on you than it had on me as an angel.”

“Just tell me, I won’t die from knowing it, right?”

“You didn’t want to leave me alone; you said you would rather die than leave me behind.”

A heavy silence followed Lucifer’s words and Sam, taken by surprise, just stared at the angel with wide eyes. After chucking down bottles of demon blood – after saying yes to Lucifer and jumping into the pit to save the world – Sam had chosen Lucifer’s side and his upcoming death over going back to his life topside? As shocking as it was to hear these words, Sam was less taken aback than relieved. Now that he _knew_ Lucifer, or started to get to know him at least, he understood his decision. Back then, though, knowing that he had had the chance to leave the torture of the cage and _still_ decided to stand by Lucifer, no matter the consequences? It was strange, to say the least.

“So… I choose you over my life. Didn’t I?” Sam eventually asked, hoping his words weren’t offending the angel – that was surely the last thing he wanted to do.

“I was as surprised as you are, believe me,” Lucifer said. “After we were thrown out of your body and Castiel had left, your soul was barely a soul at all anymore. I did my best to heal the damage that had been caused, but the amount of grace I had to use, along with Michael attacking not only me, but your wounded soul too now, I wasn’t able to do all that had to be done. I couldn’t heal your soul.”

“Don’t say that,” Sam shook his head. “If it’s true what you say, and I have no reason to accuse you of lying, then you are the only reason I’m here now – alive and _with_ my soul. I mean, if you would have done nothing, my soul would have been completely destroyed or it would have killed me instantly when Death put it back, right?”

“Yes, but I still could have done more – I _should_ have. You knew your soul wouldn’t leave the cage when you refused to go, the least I could have done was to make sure it would heal. Unfortunately, I wasn’t strong enough, not without a vessel and with Michael’s constant attacks.”

“Without a vessel…” Sam mumbled quietly. “Does that mean you were in your true form while we were in the cage?”

Lucifer suppressed a chuckle, unable to understand how Sam so easily forgave failure when he could never look past it with himself.

“I was merely my grace, trying to keep your soul safe somehow. Of course I could have switched into my true form, it would have made it easier to heal you, but I feared that your soul would simply combust at the sight of it.”

“We aren’t meant to see such beauty, huh?”

Now it was Lucifer’s turn to be out of words – he had expected everything, but not the word ‘beauty’ coming from Sam. For eons this word didn’t come to his mind anymore when he thought about himself – ever since his fall, what he had once _been_ was wiped from his existence entirely.

Lucifer’s eyes wandered away from Sam, not even seeing him for the moment, the memories too strong to recognize anything else anymore. His father had once told him, a long, long time ago, that he was the most beautiful angel heaven had ever seen. This memory, along with the fate he had faced so shortly after, was a painful one – much more than he ever thought it would be. Not for the first time Lucifer wished he could undo everything that had happened after this moment, but it was a useless wish every time it crossed his mind.

“Lucifer?”

Sam’s voice broke the angel out of his reverie and with a slight shake of his head he turned back around.

“Are you alright?”

“I will be, there is no need for you to worry, Sam.”

“Thank you for telling me, I mean it,” Sam said. “I’m thankful for all you did while we were in the cage, really. Without your efforts my soul would long be gone now.”

“Without me you would have never ended up in the cage in the first place. There is no need to thank me.”

“There is and do you know why?” Sam asked and Lucifer’s face showed a confused expression. “Because it was _my_ choice to say yes and it was _my_ choice to stay with you in the cage. You never wanted to fight, I know that now. I heard how you tried to reason with Michael and how he kept telling you how wrong you were. That’s not true, Lucifer. You and I, despite what others say, are not broken and freaks. We are different, that’s all.”

“Wise words from a human,” Lucifer said with a weak smile. “But you are wrong, Sam. My pride and jealousy caused my fall – I failed to stay reasonable when the anger took over me. You, on the other hand, have this ability. When I wanted to fight back in the cage – when I wanted to punish Michael for trying to destroy what was left of your soul – _you_ were the one to stop _me_ , to calm my anger and prevent me from making a mistake.”

“I did?” Sam was once again surprised. “And you listened to me?”

“Of course I did. Sam, if I would have known you before my fall – if you would have been by my side back in heaven the way you were in the cage – everything would have been different. But it wasn’t the way my father had planned things to go.”

“I wish I would have had the chance,” Sam smiled sadly. “That _we_ would have had it. But we have this chance _now_ , Lucifer. We are here, with no need of you to possess me and nothing to fight. This is our chance to get over what happened and to start anew – without any guilt or betrayal.”

“This is what you want?” Lucifer asked serious. “After all the pain I caused you, you want a new start?”

“I do, because what you said all those years ago is true, isn’t it? For whatever reason, we were made for each other. I don’t know why, but I can feel it, even more so since we are here.”

“We were, yes. But I don’t think I can follow you.”

“We were never made to _fight_ each other, Lucifer. It will hurt, I’m sure of that, and we will face situations when we just want to leave and forget we ever tried to work things out. But we have a _chance_ here, a real chance to change our fate. Isn’t it worth a try?”

Lucifer stayed silent for a long time, thinking about Sam’s words. This was something he never even dared to wish for, not after the suffering he had caused his other half. That Sam considered looking past all these things – that he actively suggested working and fighting for a _change_ – it was an almost overwhelming feeling. When he was finally able to collect himself enough to answer, his voice was trembling slightly.

“I know we have our differences and I often don’t understand why you do things, but you haven’t given up on me – even stood up against your brother because of me – so I think the least I can do is return the favor. If you think we can learn to get along, I will do everything I can to make it work.”

“Thank you, Lucifer,” Sam smiled and laid one of his hands over Lucifer’s on the table. “We have all the time we need – no matter how long it takes, I’m not giving up, because I know you are not one of the bad guys and you are still the angel you once were in my eyes.”

“You don’t know what your words mean to me,” Lucifer muttered. “Out of all the humans, you are the one with the most valid reasons to hate me and yet you don’t. I will not disappoint you, Sam, even if it’s the last thing I do.”

“It won’t be the last thing you do, promised.”

Sam squeezed Lucifer’s hand tight for a moment, a reassuring smile on his lips. What he had just found out was only encouraging him in what he had started by leaving the bunker. They _had_ a chance, he knew it. He had seen Lucifer in the past and he saw him now and one thing had not changed in all those years: Sam’s understanding and sympathy for the angel. Now there was no need for a fight anymore, if they worked together they would be able to become great, Sam was sure of that. What would come out of it didn’t matter – what mattered was, that for the first time since Lucifer lived with them, Sam had actual hope.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Lucifer stay at the cabin and things get better between them slowly. When summer rolls around things get a little difficult though and a sarcastic comment Sam made one evening turns into a huge change of events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this was supposed to be the end, but I got carried away and there will be another part, yay. I'm sorry.

Sam was surprised that, after only two weeks since their conversation about the cage and his hallucinations, he and Lucifer had come to an almost friend-like relationship. With certain things out of the way, they now managed to treat each other much more open, even if Lucifer was still rather reserved and needed his space. Sam fully understood, the last time he shared such a small space with someone he had been in the cage and, well, that surely wasn’t a good memory. So, whenever possible, Sam gave Lucifer the freedom he needed – whether to just be outside a little or to be alone in the cabin – and made sure the angel didn’t feel trapped.

In return, Lucifer began to accompany Sam when he was reading in front of the fireplace in the evening and even helped him with cooking from time to time. It was never something Sam demanded, but whenever Lucifer decided to join him, Sam knew they had made the right decision. There were arguments of course, but the two quickly found ways to prevent things from escalating. Overall they made progress though and, despite small throwbacks, they managed to build up a certain level of trust.

After being in the cabin for two months, with Sam occasionally visiting Dean when he needed his help for a case and thus staying away for a few days, both he and Lucifer had developed a routine that actually allowed them a rather quiet and happy life. Once a week the two would drive to the nearby town to buy groceries and visit the library and during June they enjoyed the small lake to its fullest – almost every day they went swimming and Sam found it highly entertaining teaching a very hesitant Lucifer the mechanics of it. Luckily Lucifer proved himself as a fast learner and enjoyed the cooling effect the water had on him.

Whenever Sam would visit Dean, his big brother would joke that Sam had retired with the devil, even though Sam was anything but retired and he told him multiple times to just drop it. Of course Dean wasn’t happy about Sam living in the woods with Lucifer, but no matter how much he pestered Sam, the younger hunter didn’t give in. After millennia of imprisonment, the apocalypse and everything he had been put through when the Darkness was free, Lucifer finally began to heal – and Sam wasn’t going to take this chance away from him, not even for his brother. He would come back, _with_ Lucifer, when the time was right. Until then, and that’s exactly what Sam told his brother one day when he had enough nagging, Dean had to suck it up.

When July rolled around – and with it a heatwave that almost melted the roof above their heads – Sam was more than glad that they had an AC installed in the cabin. Lucifer, however, was not at all glad. While he claimed he never actually slept, something Sam could hardly believe when he thought about the angel’s snoring at night, he began to be very grumpy whenever Sam turned the AC on. It was too loud, totally obnoxious and he was unable to get any rest while ‘this thing’ was on. In an attempt to calm the waves, Sam suggested Lucifer just used some of his earplugs, but this idea didn’t really help much either. For a week the situation got worse and worse, until one night, of course during a particular hot one, Lucifer simply turned the AC off.

Sam hadn’t been able to fall asleep yet, so when the annoying rattling suddenly stopped he was on his feet immediately and walked over to the living room, where Lucifer slept for the week.

“Do you want to cook me?” Sam asked angry and frustrated, earning a very displeased look. “I can barely sleep _with_ this thing on, how do you think I will _without_ it?”

“I thought you were already asleep,” Lucifer defended his actions, making Sam groan.

“And you thought it would be a good idea that I wake up swimming out of the bedroom, or what?”

“It’s not that hot and besides I can’t get any sleep myself when this thing is on. It’s just too loud.”

“Fine! You either lay down next to me to cool me down, or you turn that thing back on, because I’m not going to roast here so you can get some rest!” Sam scoffed with more than just a little attitude, something he rarely showed when it came to Lucifer. “Not everyone here is an ice cube and some of us actually _need_ sleep in order to survive!”

Sam turned around and slammed the AC button into the wall when he walked back into the bedroom, effectively turning it back on. He wasn’t even under the thin sheets completely, when the sound was gone again. Ready to fight for his right to sleep, Sam jolted up, only to see Lucifer standing in the doorframe, a very cautious expression on his face.

“What?” Sam huffed and to his surprise, Lucifer stepped into the room and laid down next to him.

“You said you need to be cooled down, didn’t you?” Lucifer asked and Sam, completely dumbfounded, nodded. “I will do that, but you have to promise me not to open your eyes when I do.”

“Why?” Sam asked, a little wary about this strange request.

“Just promise me. You’ll be able to sleep, but you must not open your eyes.”

“Okay, fine!” Sam threw his hands in the air and let himself fall onto the bed, annoyed. “Just deliver, I’m tired.”

For a few seconds after Sam had closed his eyes nothing happened and he was about to protest, when suddenly a calming cold draped over him – covering everything from his chest to his toes. Just as he was about to open his eyes, completely forgetting his promise, to see what caused this effect, Lucifer’s voice rang in his ears and reminded him.

“Remember, do not look.”

“What are you doing?” Sam asked instead, pressing his eyes shut tight to not accidentally open them.

“Help you sleep. Now, please, do that. Good night, Sam.”

“Good night, Lucifer,” Sam frowned, but he kept his promise to keep his eyes close.

Whatever Lucifer did, it was incredible. Sam fell asleep faster than during the last weeks and it was a highly relaxing sleep too – when he woke up Lucifer was already gone, but Sam felt like he had been reborn.

This setting went on for a week and whenever Sam would ask how Lucifer managed to make him sleep, the angel would always evade the question and change the topic. Assuming that Lucifer simply didn’t want to talk about it, Sam let it slip – until he woke up early one morning to the most surprising image he could have imagined.

Draped over him and spending him the calming cold he quickly grew to love sleeping under, were Lucifer’s wings – enormous wings. Apparently Lucifer was still asleep, otherwise Sam surely wouldn’t have seen this fascinating and somehow beautiful scene. Sam smiled at the sight of the soft and cold feathers covering his body, the urge to brush his fingers through them strong and tempting. He knew, however, that Lucifer would not be comfortable with him touching them without his consent and since he still hid them from Sam, the consent wasn’t there obviously.

Instead of touching them, Sam laid still and let his eyes wander over the huge mass of feathers. It was easy to recognize they had been damaged – the bright white was barely visible anymore under something that looked like ash and coal – which made Sam very sad. He still found them stunning, no doubts about that, but he wondered if that was why Lucifer kept them hidden from his eyes.

Carefully, to not wake Lucifer up, Sam began shoving himself away to the side. He wanted to get up and let the angel sleep in – it was the first time he actually saw him so fast asleep – but when he tried pulling his arm out from under his blanket, Lucifer suddenly moved and set something in motion the hunter did not expect.

Lucifer first only moved one of his arms, but not a second later his eyes shot up and widened when they fell on Sam. He flinched backwards with a horrified gasp and even though Sam reached forward and tried to grab his arm, he couldn’t do anything to prevent what happened next. In an attempt to get away from Sam and pull his wings back from him at the same time, Lucifer didn’t realize his legs entangled in Sam’s blanket and within two seconds he fell backwards off the bed – struggling and aimlessly trying to stop himself. The thud, followed by a painful groan, made Sam jump back onto the bed immediately.

“Lucifer!” he gasped and crawled over to look at the mass of feathers next to the bed, almost hiding the other in them completely. “Are you alright?”

Lucifer groaned again and when he tried to pull his wings back they brushed against Sam’s arm, which sent a shiver through them that worried the hunter. After a few moments Lucifer had managed to free himself off the blanket he was trapped in and slowly folded his wings behind him.

“Lucifer?” Sam asked again, sure the angel didn’t actually hurt himself, but what happened had shocked Sam as much as him.

“I am fine, Sam,” Lucifer eventually mumbled, but not looking up at the hunter.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s fine, really. Would you leave me alone for a moment?”

Sam frowned, but nodded and got off the bed. He wanted to ask what was wrong, why Lucifer suddenly acted so cold, and while the urge was strong, he knew that right now was the wrong time to ask. Instead, he left the room and went to the kitchen, preparing breakfast, and gave Lucifer the time he needed – however long it would be.

When Lucifer finally came out of the bedroom – around twenty minutes later – his wings were nowhere to be seen and he had changed into different clothes. Without a word he sat down at the table and took the coffee Sam had prepared for him. Again, Sam wanted to ask what was wrong, but he sensed the wrong timing and kept his mouth shut. This breakfast – the first time ever – was completely silent.

After they were done and Sam got up to put the dishes away – and probably clean them since there wasn’t much else to do right now anyways – Lucifer’s voice broke the silence for the first time.

“I’m sorry you had to see them.”

Sam let the plate slide into the sink and turned around, more than a little confused.

“What are you talking about?” he asked. There was nothing he could imagine Lucifer being sorry for, really.

“My wings…” Lucifer mumbled ashamed. “You weren’t supposed to see them.”

Sam didn’t know what to say. Why would he say such a thing? Of course Sam knew that Lucifer’s wings were the most intimate thing in his life, something that all angels had in common, but why was he so ashamed of them? Through his whole life, Sam had never seen something compared to Lucifer’s wings – their stunning beauty was unique.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Sam finally said and shook his head. “I should have said something and not try to sneak out and wake you up.”

“You didn’t wake me up,” Lucifer sighed.

“Why did you apologize for your wings, Lucifer?”

The words were out before Sam could stop himself and for a moment there was a dead silence in the room again – heavy and cold and somehow… dooming. It made Sam’s chest tighten when he realized how personal and inappropriate this question had been.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –“

“It’s fine,” Lucifer interrupted the stuttering hunter and Sam looked up surprised. “They are not how they used to be and nothing I am proud of anymore.”

“But, why?” Sam asked carefully and walked over to the table to sit back down, not wanting to be so far behind Lucifer and unable to properly see him.

“They were bright once, marvelous and perfect. You don’t understand, what they are not is nothing…”

“They are you, aren’t they?” Sam asked with a sad smile. “What you’ve been through, the battles you fought – it’s all in them.”

“No, Sam,” Lucifer shook his head and pressed his lips together. “They are a mirror of what I did and what I became – a broken and flawed creature no one should lay their eyes on.”

Sam took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Lucifer’s words hurt him, because they were just not true. He never thought about him like that – as a creature or as flawed and broken.

“You are an angel, Lucifer,” he finally said, trying to keep his voice steady. “Your wings are still beautiful, even if you can’t see it. They show that you are alive, despite everything that happened to you.”

“How can you say that, when you have never seen them how they once were?” Lucifer asked and finally looked up, a sadness in his eyes that was much worse than ever before.

“I don’t know how _you_ were once either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. People change, time changes us, but we still stay who we are. You are still the angel you once were and your wings, even if they changed, are still yours and you should wear them with pride, not as a burden.”

“You… you are not… _appalled_ by them?” Lucifer asked, completely baffled.

“Why should I be?” Sam asked, honestly. “Lucifer, I thought we were through this. I don’t see you as a monster, as much as you don’t see me as one. I don’t see your wings as flawed, they are special – they are _yours_.”

“You should have seen them before my fall,” Lucifer said sadly and Sam unwillingly smiled. “They were stunning, both in size and grace. Michael was jealous of them, because his wings were not as beautiful, despite him being the older brother.”

To others it would have sounded arrogant, but Sam knew Lucifer didn’t mean it that way. He believed that his wings had been the most beautiful once, without a doubt. More important than that though, was that Lucifer relaxed a little. He wasn’t tense and wary anymore, slowly he calmed down to the one Sam had lived with for the last months again.

“What about the others?” Sam asked curious and, much to his surprise, Lucifer suddenly laughed silently.

“All of my siblings were usually intimidated by them when they were around me,” he said with a hint of melancholy. “At least the lower angels were. Raphael never really cared – he was too busy with himself – and Michael’s jealousy I found rather amusing.”

“And Gabriel? I mean, you were together before everything went… well –“

“To hell?”

“Yeah…” Sam smiled awkwardly, but Lucifer wasn’t mad for this terrible pun or his mention of Gabriel.

“Gabriel was the only one who was never intimidated or jealous. He always wanted to play with my wings and groomed them whenever he had the chance,” Lucifer said, slightly amused by the thought. “When I refused to let him, he would pout for days.”

“I can see that happening,” Sam smirked. “Do you miss those times?”

“I do, yes,” Lucifer sighed. “But I cannot take back what I did, so it is of no use to mourn the past for me. I try to forget.””

“It always is,” Sam insisted. “If we don’t treasure happy memories, what do we have left? You might not be able to take anything back, but that doesn’t mean you have to _forget_ everything.”

“Would you not?” Lucifer asked, shaking his head. “When those memories only bring regret and sorrow, would you not want to forget them?”

“No,” Sam said and smiled. When Lucifer gave him a questioning look, he added: “Even memories that hurt are worth keeping, Lucifer. They are like your wings, a part of you. Sometimes we don’t like everything about ourselves, but it’s still what makes us who we _are_.”

“Is there a memory that hurts _you_ and that you still want to keep forever?”

“Just one…” Sam sighed and rested his arms on the table. “It’s a memory that shows my biggest mistake, but if I keep it, it will always remind me to not make the same mistake again. Yes, it hurts thinking about it and if I had the chance I would go back and change my mind, but I would never want to forget it.”

“It doesn’t sound like a good memory, like the one with my brothers.”

“It’s not, but it’s an important one. Like my first hunt or the first girl I kissed – those things stay with you. And this memory… it stays too. Just not as nice as some others.”

“I never managed to forget those memories myself, but they don’t hurt as much as they used to anymore,” Lucifer said after a minute of staying silent, which made Sam look up.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Since we are here things… _change_. Slow, but they do.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know, not really. I enjoy your company and the silence, but it feels like something isn’t right.”

Sam nodded slowly. “There is something we are missing, I know. I feel it too, but I don’t know what it is.”

“Do you think we will find out what it is?” Lucifer asked, worried. “I know we cannot stay here forever and it means problems for you being away from your brother like this. I do not want to be the reason things between you escalate or you get into trouble, but I don’t know if I am ready to leave yet.”

“Lucifer, it was _my_ decision to leave so we can work this out,” Sam said slowly and took one of Lucifer’s hands on the table into his own. “I don’t care how long it takes, this is important and we will find a way. You and I, we should have done this a long time ago. Now we have the chance.”

“We do, yes,” Lucifer sighed. “I don’t want you to feel obliged to do this, though. I have no right to ask anything from you, Sam.”

“I _want_ to do this, I told you that,” Sam smiled. “Besides, a little holiday from the bunker is good for me too. And I’ll say it again, you don’t need to be anything but proud of your wings. I have never seen something like them and if anyone needs to be sorry it’s me – for using you like that.”

“Helping you sleep is not _using_ me, Sam,” Lucifer said, smirking.

“But using your wings as a blanket is.”

“I don’t mind it, really,” Lucifer assured him. “You are the only human to ever see them and your acceptance, as damaged and flawed as they are, means more than I can ever say.”

“You never have to hide them, not from me,” Sam smiled and squeezed Lucifer’s hand tight one last time before letting go. “And we will figure out what’s still wrong – one way or the other, we’ll find out.”

 


End file.
